


Keeping Friends Close

by AK_wrote_fics



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt, Gay Male Character, Hurt Derek Morgan, Hurt Spencer Reid, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:55:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28766691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AK_wrote_fics/pseuds/AK_wrote_fics
Summary: Criminal Minds one-shot
Kudos: 2





	Keeping Friends Close

**Author's Note:**

> This one takes place in the AU where Derek and Spence grew up together and they dont have their sad backgrounds yk

Der, This isn’t how I wanted it to end…..

Its been 2 months and 17 days since my best friend Spencer took his life at 10:30 pm. All I can do is lay in my bed all day listening to music and thinking back to all of fun and exhilarating memories we shared together and how his smile never faded no matter how rainy the day was or how poorly he did on a test. He was the one that brought the sun to the rain and the spirit to the days that seemed to trudge on and on with no end in sight. I could use some of that right now if im being honest.

We were in kindergarten. “Hey is that orange jello??” He said to me with he brightest smile I had ever seen and the most annunciated wordsI had ever heard for a kindergartner. I can feel the warmth he radiated to this day. “Yep, my favorite flavor. My mommy bought it as a treat because I asked reeeeally nicely”. That was all it took for us to become best friends. We started having playdates either painting on paper that seemed to be endless, or eating our orange jello while watching some Team UmiZoomi on our couches. Somehow we never put together the fact that we only lived one black away from each other but it lead to many more memories. For instance the time we both learned how to ride our bikes down the quietest street in the neighborhood. My older brother, Alex, decided to take his day and teach us how to ride our bikes so we could ride to elementary school together next year, just like he did. Max and I spent the whole day pedaling, falling, cleaning our scrapes, and getting back up again but, we finally learned how to ride our bikes. We had never been more proud and excited for each other. 

Finally, We were in first grade. The summer had gone well. You can bet that Spence and I spent all summer riding up and down the Main Street in our neighborhood getting icees till our mouths were blue and having the best time of our life. Spence was the best bike rider I had ever seen (as a first grader). When the days finally got dark. We would spend the night at one of our houses building forts in our basements, telling scary stories, and just giggling about silly things we heard. As school came around the corner, we both rode our bikes to school every single day munching on our eggo waffles and having the best time of our lives. We would do everything in school together. If there was a partner project, you can bet that we chose each other right as we heard the news. This was never a problem for us, however Mr. Allen felt otherwise. After choosing our partners, he would split me and Spencer up, claiming we need to branch out and make Moore friends. But we were the only people we needed.

Skip to third grade, it was my first year going away to sleep away camp. We were both so sad to be separated as it would be the first summer we haven’t spent with each other riding to the 7/11 on our street and getting icees. As much as camp was only 2 weeks out of the 10 weeks of summer break, the separation killed me. You can bet your ass Max and I wrote detailed and long letters each and every day in our barely legible chicken scratch. When I got home from camp, Spence had demanded that I describe every waking second (he wished for sleeping too) I spent at camp. It was then that we built our biggest fort to date. We decided that night that it was finally time for our secret language. We didn’t care if nobody else understood what it said, we just needed one another and that was enough. We spent hours and hours on end making up fake words for real words we knew and wrote them down in our own dictionary. We stayed up so long past our bed time and ended up sleeping until 12pm. We decided to spend all of the rest of the day speaking in our made up language, making jokes and giggling along to our own secrets.

After a few months of 5th grade, we inevitably had our first fight. Something I will never forget. I decided to make friends with the “popular” kids. For me to be accepted into their “friend group" I had to complete some "dares". Everyone knew how close we were and decided to use it against us. My dare was that I had to walk by Spencer in the lunch hall and "trip" resulting in spilling my chocolate milk on him. I remember the sheer embarrassment on his face, sitting in the lunch hall, covered in chocolate milk, getting laughed at by who he thought was his best friend. We didn’t talk for 4 days. As much as he was furious with me for embarrassing him just to be a part of the “popular kids group”, it was the longest 4 days of my life. We didn’t spend all night talking on the phone in our made up language, we didn’t do our homework together, and we rode to school on opposite sides of the road. On the fifth day, I decided to go to Spencers house and apologize. He had always been a cautious person when it came to answering the door, but I knocked our secret knocking code and he knew he had to open it. There Spencer was, standing at his front door, looking at me holding, none other than a box of orange jello cups. It was a peace offering. “I’m sorry Spence. Liam and Jake told me that if I wanted to be cool I had to spill milk on you and I really didn’t mean it but I thought it would be funny but they’re so mean to me and I miss you. Will you please forgive me?” Of course he had to. As a 5th grader, this was the nicest way of handling something and there was nothing else to say. We sat and ate our jello without a care in the world. Nothing could ever go ever wrong, right?

It was now the summer going into 6th grade. It was finally time for us to gain more freedom within our neighborhood. This meant that the bowling alley, arcade, and mall were officially ours to take over. All summer long we spent our days at the bowling alley, sharpening our skills in hopes of becoming pro bowlers (as one child does). I wish we talked more about our futures that day. Maybe it would have changed how things ended up for us. After long days of bowling and riding our bikes around, we would get icees and head home for the night. However, our homes separating us never actually separated us. We spent most nights on FaceTime with each other until we fell asleep and our parents would hang up and close the computer for us. School finally came around and it was time for us to go to our new middle school. Even though it was a longer bike ride, we were ready to take on anything headed our way. Middle school was going to be a breeze because we had each other and it was all we needed. Spence and I were always in different level classes, and this year was no different. He was put into honors English class and he was in a higher math class than me, as always. We would be separated all day, but it was worth it at lunch. We both told funny stories about what our teachers did during class, or what happened with our classmates. As much as we missed each other during class, we still managed to maintain our friendship. Everything was going well.

Fast forward to our 8th grade graduation. Spencer had been elected as student body president. I could not have been prouder of him for standing up in front of the entire middle school and read his graduation speech like president he truly was. He used his ever so charming charisma, jokes, and of course, the promise of more time for lunch break. Our dream as of then was for him to become president and elect me as his vice president. I never saw a world in which that couldn’t happen. We could do anything we wanted. We were now 14 and nothing was going to ruin our friendship at this point. We were attached at the hip and nobody could separate us. I wish death was not the exception, but it inevitably was the only thing able to tear us apart. 

I remember like it was yesterday. We were at school starting freshman year of high school and we were still the dynamic duo that rode their bikes to school together. Every morning at 7:25, we would meet on the corner of my street, eat our eggo waffles, drink our Sunny D, and head off to school. Some days we were later than we wanted to, but we were having a good time so nothing else mattered. Max used to be an amazing artist. He could draw the most intricate piece of art you’ve ever seen with a single ballpoint pen and a piece of lined paper. That’s when we started passing notes during science class. He would draw me little characters and I would use my wits to fill in speech bubbles above their heads. I always pride myself on keeping these in our own little book of fun, along with the key of our secret language, which had now gone obsolete. Some days, I go back to the binder just to feel Spence's presence again and relish in what joy he brought me. A few months into freshman year, Spencer came out as gay. It was never a surprise for me, but he was finally ready to express himself and let everyone know how he felt. I could not have been happier for him and I was truly excited to be his best friend and biggest supporter. Later that year, I was introduced to Spencer's boyfriend, Ethan. He was almost as smart as Spencer and the perfect fit for Spencer. Seeing them together could not have made me happier, just seeing him be himself and happy was all I could ask for. Every day, I wish I could see him that happy again. 

Over the summer going into sophomore year, everything seemed to go down hill. Spencer and Ethan broke up and it looked like there was no end to his sadness in sight. We used to hang out and go mini golfing together and drink icees until our brains were big ice cubes. Seeing Spencer's adoration for Lucas and the same way around was all I could ask for for Spence, but Ethan had to ruin it all by cheating. Spencer had found texts between Ethan and another boy talking about how much Spence was a nerd and annoying and how Ethan was just waiting for the second they could break up to be with the scumbag he was texting. I could only wish and dream to find this other guy and beat him to a pulp. There seemed not to be enough orange jello in the world to help Spence through his break up. I had finally gotten my drivers license and decided that I was going to make him happy again; it was what he deserved. One night at around 12 p.m. I showed up in front of Spencer's house and crawled through his window. I could tell he had been crying but that did nothing to my plans. I managed to get him to come outside with me and managed to coax him into my car. We drove around for about 20 minutes just singing along to sad songs at the top of our lungs. I decided it was time for some ice cream so we went to the McDonalds drive through and got 2 Oreo mcflurries. We then went to the local park, took the blankets from my trunk, and sat staring at the stars. Curled up under the stars, cuddling together, eating our ice cream. Nothing could have been better than this moment. Little did I know what was actually going on and that this was the last time I would ever see my best friend alive.

The day was Thursday. It was 7:20 sharp and I was waiting for my walking ray of sun to walk outside and greet me with my waffles and Sunny D. However this morning something felt off. I could feel it in the air and my gut was telling me to go into his house. As I walk closer and closer to his front door, I can hear the sobs coming from inside. I felt ready to throw up when his mom answered the door and told me the news. Last night, Spencer killed himself in his bathroom. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes but I didn’t dare let them spill out. The rest of the conversation between Lisa and I seemed to glaze over in my memory and I can only remember the hurt in her voice. As I held her in my arms, I could see that there was no end in sight. There was only one thing keeping his soul tied to this world. A tear stained letter with my name on the front of it. It read: 

Der, This isn’t how I wanted it to end…..  
I want to start this by saying that I never meant to hurt you like this.  
You have always been the best, most supporting friend I could have ever asked for and you deserved better than me.  
There were a few things that I never told you though. The past few months have been the worst of my life. I lied to you. Ethan never cheated on me.  
I broke up with him, feeling unworthy of the unconditional love he gave me.  
I look in the mirror every day and hate what I see. I see a worthless pile of bones that deserves none of the love and support you give me.  
I didn’t feel worthy of you, food, or even sleep. But I don’t want you to blame yourself, Derek. You could not have been more of my world, and my heart, and the overall entirety of my life. Thats why, as I sit here and write this, I think of all the fun times we spent together driving down the highway screaming lyrics to our favorite songs, passing our special notes during class, or even just talking on FaceTime. Derek, you are the person that made me excited to get up every day and have the excitement for life that I had. I want you to know that I will never forget how good of a friend you are to me. Please don’t cry or dwell on my death. You have too much potential. Become the president. Become a pro bowler. Do it because I always wanted you to. Do it because I love you and I know you can do anything you put your beautiful, big, loving heart to. I love you and everything about your existence. Please always do your best, for me.  
-Spence, Spencer, Your Pretty Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Lol my first writing so its pretty mediocre. I intended for this to be sad because I want this to help people prevent suicide and if this is how it has to be, then I'll do it. Please, If you ever feel the urge to self harm call the national suicide prevention hotline. 800-273-8255 you are IMPORTANT and LOVED  
> Comment any requests for other stories and I'll be glad to write it


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